Monday, February 20, 2012


Last Friday, the Mr. and I snuck away to Ted's at Clay Terrace for dinner. One of our favorite things to do is slip in the bar, eat a quick, relaxed dinner, and get to where we're going. This night we talked about big plans, the kids (of course), politics (a little), and real life grown up things. We talked a lot about whether or not you are destined for a certain kind of life due to circumstances, or whether it's really true that you can be anything and do anything with the right elements tied in. I am always really interested about people's ideas on that topic. And, after a yummo dinner and a few brewskies, we were off to the Palladium to see.........drumroll please........Bruce Hornsby. Yep, Bruce. It was totally awesome. His voice made me stop thinking about eveything and just be. He played Manolin Rain. He told stories about his boys. He rocks.

Here is our night in pictures.

2nd row!
Intermission shot.
Cool bathroom floor.

Gotta love the creepy self portrait, but ya gotta have the outfit shot!

Prettiest bathroom ever! I'm so awesome it stings. Don't mind the lady in the restroom with the camera.


I love my husband. I love date nights. The end.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Valentine's Day.

Valentine's Day was two days ago now. And, all day long I tried to write about the love I feel for my family. I tried and tried to write them a love letter on that special day. And, every time I sat down to begin, the words were never good enough or big enough. This is a love story that I could have never dreamed. In a world of critics, we beat the odds. I met a man, who is honest, kind, and everything a lady could hope for. We fell in love. We made two babies who taught us that the love we felt before was only the beginning. Is it a fairy tale every day? Nope, there are valleys to go along with the peaks, but I choose to focus on the love that writes our real life love story. My greatest hope is that my babies will always feel the love we try to show them while they are little. So, they will grow to know no different. They will expect nothing but respect, love, and kindness from their partner. And, they will show the same to their partner because that is how you love.

Until this year, I never really got into Valentine's Day. But I swear this one kinda rivaled with Christmas even. Honestly, it was awesome. The day was full of love. I swear I could have floated away on a rainbow full of glitter riding on a dag-gone unicorn. I was so happy and full of love.

 We made these for the teachers in our lives. They were a hit.
 Valentine's morning. Already feelin' the love.
 Ready to go!
 We hit up Monkey Joe's because this is how to speak my babies love language.
 Piano lessons.
 Picking up our Valentine dinner. The kids were scared to death!
 The babies made a giant banner for their Daddy!
 I found this tucked away randomly in the corner on the playroom. So sweet.
 Oh, hi dinner.
Regan knows what to expect from a man. Her Daddy has set the bar high! Look at that face!

Love doesn't mean perfection. All the time I look at my family. My man, my girl, my boy. I think to myself, "Did I really do this... is this all really mine...?"  Thank you God for this love. I absolutely believe in fairy tales. They are true. They are possible. They are real.

To my sweet babies- Love with all your heart. Hug, kiss, hold hands, believe in romance. Be open to the possibility of love. Show love, expect a great love. Don't be afraid of being hurt. Love anyway.

I love you more than anything in this world. Nothing will change this. I promise to love you unconditionally, fiercely protect you, and be by your side to cheer with you, cry with you, and walk with you through each step of your journey. Your innocence makes my ache with love for you today, and the promise of your future makes me ache with love for tomorrow. I was born to be your mother. Nothing gives me more joy than to hold you, wipe away your tears, and hear your laughter. To this day, I can still be caught off guard when I see just how beautiful you look from time to time. Your love amazes me, not just on valentine's Day, but every. single. day.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012


Sometimes it's funny to walk into the room to find your kids watching Modern Family by themselves while they eat pickles from the jar. Or, to joke with your friends how you're Mom of the Year because your son ate an ice cream cone for breakfast, and your daughter told the fitting room attendant that her mom "has big boobie nipples." It's inappropriate, yes. But, it reminds you that life is too. But then, there are times for me, like almost ALL OF THE TIME, when I wonder what I really should be doing. I don't always feed my kids organic. We don't go to the library near enough. My son can't count to two. Did we do enough crafts? Holy shit?!?!? I am ruining my kids lives!

For me, the hardest part about being a mom is wondering if I did enough. At the end of the day, I am constantly replaying the way I chose to speak, chose to love, chose to discipline, chose to mother. Did I give enough hugs, did I over-react, did I even read them a book? The truth is, I've been living in a constant state of guilt for the past five years. Being a parent is a lot of freaking pressure. I mean, I was an only child. I wasn't allowed to have a dog. So, I grew up pretty much a self-absorbed asshole. And now, I have to remember to feed and bathe these kids. And teach them things. And take them places. And try to model proper behavior to ensure these little people grow up to be productive members of society. I'm not even sure I'm a productive member of anything, so this is stressful. What's sad is that my babies think I know every answer to their every question. They think I rock. What they don't know is that I am totally faking it, just as generations before me did with their kids. What's scariest to me is that one day they're going to wake up and be aware of the over-reactions, and impatient remarks, and the lack of playdates and crafts and become bitter. Will they look around and feel like their story has missing chapters because their mama had no clue what was going on, or was in a bad mood and yelled at them, or didn't make the most of a sunny day at the park, or didn't read them the book they asked me to read, or didn't smile at them when they needed it? Yes, I'm convinced most days, I'm just not doing enough.

I look at them and see these innocent little miracles who need so much. They want me to love them, and teach them, and fill them up. And you know what, some days I'm just tired. Or overwhelmed with the pressure of being responsible for this big job of mama. I am the one that can make them or break them. Dear God, what if I break them? How many stories, crafts, hugs, vegetables, activities, field trips are enough? What if it's too late to realize I didn't do it right? Dude. Living with no regrets is damn near impossible with babies because there's always something better you could have done. You could have relished in the day more or pushed the fatigue aside in order to remember that they are little for such a short time.

Even when I am doing my best, I sometimes still feel guilty. Am I being fun enough, creative enough, loving enough? Did I pray for them and with them today? Did they get enough vitamins? No one said this was going to be easy. No one said being a mama was going to bring along feelings of guilt. They promised happiness, and love, and joy. And , please, don't get me wrong. I feel those things too. More than anything else, these babies fill me up. There is nothing that makes me ache with love more than my girl and boy. But along with that achey love is guilt that I am not enough for them. Maybe it's a feeling that they deserve the best, and I don't always give that to them. Surely flopping a soggy Eggo in front of my sweet girl in the morning while proclaiming, "HURRYUPWE'REGONNABELATE!!" is not my best. She deserves more. They deserve more.

Despite my shortcomings, my greatest wish is that my babies know how much I love them. I am not perfect, and they won't be either. I love them despite their imperfections, and I suppose the lesson out of this is that they too, love me despite my imperfections as well. We can't always be on. We don't always respond they way we should, or say the right thing. This is how I suppose I am teaching my children forgiveness, and graciousness,  and unconditional love. They love me and I love them, despite our inability to be everything, do everything, and say everything the other needs. Through my years of mothering, the guilt has taught me that we need to be realistic with our expectations of one another. Everyday can't be a walk in the park. Some days need to be boring. Some days need to be low, so they can highlight the days that are high. I need to show my kids that I can't always say or do the right thing. And that's okay, too. Hopefully, this will teach them to have realistic expectations of not only themselves as they grow older, but for their friends and the people in their lives. Most importantly, with the children they will someday have. You see, guilt is often thought of as a negative emotion. But, what I've done is to use it as a motivator. A teacher. A predictor. A few weeks back, Regan spilled her entire dinner in the floor. Not because she meant to, but because she's five and that's what five year oldsAnnnnnnd, cue me freaking out. I chose not to handle my daughter with respect and dignity, but used careless words and raised my voice. I made my kid cry. She felt bad, and I felt worse. Guilt sunk in. So, last night, when she spilled her entire dinner on the floor, because, you know, that's what five year olds do, I was cool. I used that guilt from last time, the guilt that made us both feel bad, and learned that I can choose how to react. Because, never ever, do I want my child growing up being afraid of me. Fear is not a motivator. Being your child's bully is weak. So, what happened last night? Nothing. Because in the grand scheme of things, my child will always be more important to me than a stain on the carpet. The way they see me handle stress, or accidents, or relationships is the way they will one day handle them. The way they see me embrace the beauty in each day is how they will learn to do the same.

The guilt that I carry is my own. I am my own worst critic. All parents are. It's easy to look next door or across town at the parent who's "got it all together." You know the ones. But, as I'm learning all you can give anyone is your best. You go with what feels right, learn from your mistakes, and hope and pray your kids don't grow up to hate you.... or become serial killers.

Wednesday, February 1, 2012

Then and now.

Then: I used to be cool shower. Like, almost every day. I was on it....
Now: I use baby wipes to "wash" my face, clean my stove top, and tidy my son's butt.

Then: I was ready to go once I put the key in the ignition.
Now: I'm ready once I've buckled everyone, packed a stroller, verified we have diapers and wipes, checked for paci and blankie, confirmed we have two sippy cups, made sure we have ample supply of snacks and "bad guys," and started the movie.

Then: I got dressed with pants that had zippers and buttons, wore heels, and fitted tops. Even jewelry!
Now: "Dressy" means I changed out of my husband's sweats and put on my fancy PINK sweats instead.

Then: I had a real job, was a professional, and went to work like a grown up.
Now: I can no longer even add.

Then: I talked about important semi-important topics.
Now: What the hell was I even talking about?

Then: I went to Sephora, Ulta, and nice shops to buy myself makeup and grooming products.
Now: I sometimes brush my teeth with Batman toothpaste.

Then: Was called Miss.
Now: It's Ma'am.

Then: I wanted to travel around the world visiting new countries.
Now : I can't even go to the mall without the double stroller getting stuck in the door because it's too wide, and within five minutes I've already lost a child in the shoe department.

Then: I could jump on a trampoline with full bladder control.
Now: I can't.

Then: Interesting.
Now: Pinteresting.

Then: Cool films at the Keystone Arts Cinema.
Now: Toy Story on Ice.

Then: Perky.
Now: Saggy.

Then: Man-hunting.
Now: Diego starts to look kinda cute after a few episodes.

Then: Nice wine al fresco.
Now: Wine on the couch before bed.

Then: Wondering where it would all lead....
Now: Knowing I'm exactly where I want to be.