Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Story time ain't so pretty.

Almost all of my most embarrassing moments since becoming a mother have happened at the library. Isn't that quite strange? It seems like such a sweet little place. Let me tell you how I have come to HATE the library.

It all started when I was a young, energetic thing who was all pumped about getting my kid involved. So, when Regan quickly approached five months old and was no longer a lump of baby, I was stoked. I looked at her, and said, " Baby, what do ya wanna do?" She could sit up at that age, so I was thinking something engaging and educational would do wonders for both of us. (Prior to this new milestone, we basically went to breastfeeding group once a week and maybe took a trip to Target, if we were feeling ambitious. Pathetic, huh?) I felt like she was ready for some real learning. So, I googled something like "baby learning." (Man, that sounds even more stupid now than it felt at the time. I've come a long way in my parenting since then.) So, the google search sends me to Baby Einstein videos. Turns out, she hated those silly Baby Einstein videos that make you wonder if somehow a hit of acid got slipped into your coffee that morning. Those videos are freaky! So, "we" decided story time at the library would be perfect! I signed her up, and off we went! 
We walk into "baby time" and all of these mothers with their 1 and 2 year-olds are singing The Wheels on the Bus. I think, oh man, we missed baby time. So, the librarian sees me walk in, and stops the song. She asks if I need help. I tell her I am looking for baby story time. She says, "Well, this is it, but your daughter may be a bit young. You are welcome to stay and watch, or you can bring her back IN A YEAR OR SO!!!!" Basically, if I leave, I look like an ass, and if I stay I look like an ass. I have already taken up about four minutes of the thirty minute class. So, what do I do instead of leave? I stayed. For the next ten minutes, the kids were to do a craft.  I sat there in a tiny chair next to a bunch of toddlers and made an elephant out of construction paper, while Regan sat in my lap and drooled all over the place.
Then, we were to get in a circle and tell our favorite animal and demonstrate what noise said animal made. All of the kids took their turns, and when it came to Regan, she obviously didn't say much. So the librarian says, "What is Regan's favorite animal?" Uhhhh, well, I hadn't asked her since she was freaking five months old. I replied, "A bear." Then, I did a little roar. I am officially the biggest loser. Ever.
That was the first time I was ever dreadfully embarrassed at the library. Throughout the next few years many beautiful events have occurred there such as:

-Tyler pulling my pants all the way down to my ankles in front of three librarians.
-Regan asking me how to spell centipede in front of everyone at story time, and due to lack of sleep or maybe just because I'm stupid, I hesitated. Then, I guessed. Wrong.( In front of about 20 mothers who all now know just how stupid I am.)
-Tyler getting lost, needing a couple of library aids to help find him, only to discover he was in the elevator.
-Tyler running out in front of a car in the library parking lot causing me to chase after him as our library bag broke and spilled our TWENTY books. I had four cars waiting on me to get my kid, roll around the ground to pick up my books, and walk away in shame.
-A librarian came to me and very nicely explained that children "must wear shoes in the library." Then, in return, me asking her if she had any brown Crocs turned into the desk. We went home with one shoe that day.

While I sincerely do want to instill a love of literature in my children, I freaking hate the library some days.


  1. Was the elevator also included in the caution taped stair day? Love it!

  2. You are cracking me up with these blogs!

  3. Hahahaha!!! Freaking hilarious Rachel!!